Let's Get it On

Today's post is not safe for the kiddies. Kids, go work on your Valentines for school while Mom and Dad read stories that remind them about how you came to be and maybe want to work on giving you a brother or sister.

In case you were not aware from the bombardment of Hallmark, chocolate, and jewelry-related advertisements going on for the past few weeks, Valentine's Day is this Friday. No matter whether February 14 makes you wear pink, watch romantic movies and shoot cartoon hearts out of your eyes or if it makes you want to shoot things into your eyes, Valentine's Day is a great excuse to talk about sex in the animal kingdom. No matter how adventurous and kinky you may think your sex life is (or want it to be), some of these stories from the animal kingdom make humans look downright boring.

Alright guys, let's get this out of the way right now. The average human penis is 6". And no, by some amazing coincidence every man reading this blog doesn't just happen to be bigger. Well except for maybe you. Well hello there... The following animals have a penis bigger than yours:

Banana Slug

9 inches

Pig

15 inches

This Argentine Lake Duck

16 inches

(the average for the species is 7.8 inches, so still bigger than a human's)

Giraffe

3 feet

African Elephant

5 feet...and it's prehensile

(no, that elephant does not have one leg smaller than the other)

Right Whale

10 feet

But hey, at least your penis is still bigger than a gorilla's:

2 inches

But the biggest penis in the animal kingdom in relation to body size belongs to the humble barnacle. Its penis is over 8 times its own body length! If the human male were that well-endowed, his member would be longer than a school bus.

Seed beetle: Sex as the fountain of youth

Hugh Hefner was a seed beetle in a former life.

When the male seed beetle mates with the female, he inseminates her with chemicals that either make her die younger or live longer. Sometimes the compounds increase the number of eggs laid by a female, and mated females tend to live longer, but in some cases, the compounds are toxic to the female. However males that tend to reproduce late on in life will inject females with more beneficial compounds, in essence extending her lifespan, than males that tend to reproduce early in life. By doing so, the late-breeding males ensure that females will live longer, and hence be around to bear them more offspring, maximizing the number of times their genes are passed down the generations.

Pigs: A twisted relationship

Boars have a corkscrew penis and sows have a spiraled vagina.  This helps to prevent cross breeding in the wild; it’s like a key in a specific key hole. Pigs also ejaculate huge amounts of semen, over a pint each time, which is enough to nearly fill a wine bottle. (You just think of that when you're having your Valentine's drink. You're welcome.)  The last push of semen is thick like tapioca pudding to seal in the previous ejaculate and ensure that the female is fertilized with his sperm and not a competitor's.  

A human ejaculates 1-2 teaspoons of semen each ejaculation, and a right whale 5 gallons per each ejaculation, by the way.

Brown trout: faking it

When solicited by a less than ideal amorous male, female brown trout fake orgasms to encourage male to ejaculate prematurely, duping him into thinking he has successfully mated and go on his merry way to brag to his friends. The female then leaves to go and find a better male with which to do the real thing.

Tidarren spiders: Dude, drop your penis and RUN!

A male Tidarren spider with his
oh so manly pedipalps.

Male spider sex organs are called pedipalps and look like legs or mouthparts. In Tidarren spiders, each of their two pedipalps make up 10% of their weight. That would be like the average male having 18 pound testicles. Each. Male Tidarren spiders may have big equipment, but they are only 1% the size of the females, who would very much like to make a meal out of these potato chip

A tiny male doing his best not to be eaten
during his booty call.

boys. Before mating, males voluntarily twist off one pedipalp (he secures it in silk and then turns in circles while pushing on it with his legs) in order to run faster from the hungry female and out compete males with both pedipalps in tact. Males with just one pedipalp run 44% faster and for 63% longer than those with two. It's thought to be easier for these males to run because they are lighter and it's easier to move when pedipalp is not in the way. You try running with 36 pounds of testicles in your pants.

See guys? Bigger is not always better after all. So no matter how you celebrate Valentine's Day, I'm glad that you took some time out to be a voyeur on my blog. I hope I left you satisfied, because it was certainly good for me.